WHO GOD IS TO US, IS WHO HE WILL BE THROUGH US!

Thank You Jesus, that You rescued me and set me free from my self destruction. Thank You that I am not bound to my past. In Your forgiveness I am made whole and new. May I allow You to use my story to be a bridge to You for others. Thank You, Father, that You have "qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light" (Colossians 1:12)

Without Gods grace...I would be unrecognizable!

April 14, 2005

Have you ever looked at or said a word, then realized,it actually sounds weird? Go ahead, try some. Bottle? Bed? Fork? Inbox? Outside? Tell? Surround? Has? Letter? Those might not do it for you. So try some of your own.

Sometimes I just get so puzzled by this. I know these words have been around for a long time, it's still weird to me.

Have you ever known someone for a really long time...like your parents, siblings, spouse, children, friends, yourself and one day find yourself thinking...."Who is this person?"

You know where to tickle them, what they like to eat, their favorite color, what makes them mad, or happy... But something seems bazaar....Do I really know them..or do I really know myself?

Sometimes I feel that way living in middle of my precious family! Oh, I play, cook, yell, clean, laugh, do projects together, tickle, study together, read, pray,watch something dear to them...but weird to me,am intimate with my husband, but still sometimes I feel empty and angry.

I feel like sometimes that I am in the wrong place. Like I don't belong here.
Not because I desire more or deserve better. It's because they deserve better!

We talk about, and teach about the hole in your heart and how it should be filled with Jesus. What if you have already filled it with Jesus, yet you still feel angry and empty?

What if you have consistent prayer time, are in the Word, listen to spiritual music, surround yourself with Godly people..and still feel empty and angry?

I mean do you ever feel this way?? or am I a freak?

Why do I feel so out of place? Where do I belong?

2 comments:

Joel said...

No, you are not a freak. But you are married to one!

Unfortunately babe - you are stuck. You will always feel out of place when I'm messy, late, loud, crued, cruel, and cranky. You will never get comfotable with me speeding and not paying attention to where I'm going. You will not feel content with me starting a conversation about something really important only to interupt myself with, "hold on babe! Top Ten Plays are on ESPN!" I doubt you will come to adore a hyperactive dog jumping up on you and putting muddy paw prints on your clothes as you walk through your backyard and smell said dog's droppings.

Kim, you won't ever get why people can sing about joy without smiling. You'll never rest in the terrible truth that crack addicts get preganant and good moms don't. I can't ever see you at peace with poverty in Africa or Abilene or people who honor God with their lips but their hearts are far from Him.

So wander and worry and wonder and wait my beautiful little pilgrim. This world is not your home - you are just passing through.

I know I speak for John, Laura, Emily, and thousands of others when I say this:

We are glad that you are passing through our lives as strange as we may seem to you or as you seem to us.

The answer to your final question? Right here. Right now.

I love you!

Love, your bazzar, freaky, and weird husband.

Candy said...

Kim, I don't know you but I feel exactly the same way you've expressed so perfectly. This stuff about words - I get it! And about people in our lives - who are they? I know! I love that you honestly approach these questions. And it's true. We don't belong here. I think you're feeling homesick. I know I am. And yet, what about that "What if you have consistent prayer time, are in the Word, listen to spiritual music, surround yourself with Godly people..and still feel empty and angry?" Questions I face myself. Wish I had an answer for you. I love the way Beverly put it. But sometimes it takes snuggling up in the bottom of the boat sound asleep wrapped in His arms and trusting that He can calm the storm, even if the storm is all in our minds.